The Shit Storm of 2017

January 12, 2018  •  3 Comments

Write write write, I need to write more. My husband tells me he sometimes is shocked how much of an open person I am when it comes to sharing thoughts, fears, and issues with others because he is not like that. I find comfort in sharing and talking to others because sometimes you'll find that you're not alone or maybe you'll earn some good advice. This wasn't the case for 2017 though, this was the year I shut down. That year was a rough one, I learned a great deal about myself and others. I hate to use such words but 2017 was a huge shit storm and I'll tell you why.

The year had already started with me getting very hateful messages from an online social media person who remained (and has remained) anonymous. Basically a fake account leaving me very rude comments about my work and also sending me messages speaking ill of another person to me. This started a few months before 2017 but we rolled into the new year with it in full effect but whatever, its stupid, childish, ignore it, move on! Then before January was over I got a terrible stomach flu, one of about four I will have in only the next few months! February was that crazy hectic month that is at the same time exciting and fun, everyone is february babies in this house except for my husband (he's the odd ball). After February had calmed down I find out that my mother has some health issues. She will need treatments and soon to follow was procedures and surgeries. During this time I became worried and sad very quickly. What struck me as odd was that I found my self angry for the most part but at someone I couldn't even blame, I think. It was around this time that the fact that my parents are getting older really sunk in and hit me, we all know its happening but when does it really sink in ya know? I began to feel angry that the fear and hurt that I will be experiencing in these times I will be doing alone. Yes, I have a husband and a family to call my own but I no longer have a sibling. My sister was murdered when I was fifteen years old, she was just about to turn eighteen. She was my only sibling, I have been alone since fifteen. Back on track, I began to feel angry, and I was angry at my sister. Angry that she isn't here to face these things with me, angry that she left me here, alone. These emotions ran deep with me enough that I decided I needed to talk about it and actually made an appointment. I paid someone to listen to me rant about life, something I thought i would never do in my lifetime because I always had the "get over it" type attitude. When my sister died and my family shut down I closed that shitty feeling door and walked on, not to speak of my feelings much since I was fifteen. I'm approaching 35 now and I guess shit likes to surface at some point. Regardless of anything and everything, talking to someone felt great! I enjoyed it. I cried, came out so easily but felt so good. While all that history and grieving is still a great deal in progress I was informed that I suffer from some PTSD. What? You mean the disorder that soldiers have from war? Yup! Great, now I feel like an ass again! I have never been a big believer in stress, anxiety, or depression. I always thought of these things as excuses to feel sorry for yourself and believed if you were in a bad situation or bad area of your life then it is clearly up to you to do something about it. So I have PTSD and I have never been to war or seen the things that I could only imagine would haunt someone for the remainder of their years however, I did experience a tramatic experience, at a very young age, and I did it alone. An eye opener for sure but something to work on and embrace. Very shortly after this I received more rude comments via my online instagram profile. I made an effort to make amends with the only person I thought it could be or had to do with. In return that person blamed me for the things that were happening because apparently it was happening to them and a few others as well. I was accused of inflicting the very comments and messages that I (some friends and even a family member) had been receiving. Ummmm what?! Thank you for the biggest insult but no. What the hell ever, forget it, move on! Oh yeah, side note, during this time my daughter and I also got thrush! Her mouth and my nipples (breastfeeding mom). Yeah, it sucked! I had never had it before and I hope to never have again! Man, the year was off to a great start and it's only half way over. My family and I jumped on a plane and enjoyed a much needed vacation in Portland Oregon, a great vacation it was. Beautiful green place to be and see. I needed it. Upon our arrival home in early September I find out that my father was sick and had been sick for a few weeks now. My daddy. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly eat, I could hardly function. He had terrible scary symptoms, things that weren't going away. For a month this went on. I made a trip to see him when he was feeling up for crazy energetic grandchildren, he was feeling better but not out of the woods. Then there was October and November a time in all of our lives when we wish the news didn't exist and we could be in the blue about anything and everything. I don't do well with killings of innocent people for no just cause or reason. My sister herself was shot and killed, no "real" reason. Those tragic events made me sad for the people, the families, the world. I can't speak too much here because there is no need, we all have our feelings about it. Come the tail end of the year I found myself in a very dark, sad, lonely place that I was a stranger of. I had never in my life been this person or in this place. Yes, I was happy too, I have wonderful children and many blessings, do not get me wrong. These feelings and the sense of isolation are inside and they weigh on you, a lot had happened that year. From there things kept coming; got the stomach flu again, pink eye twice, kids both have some cavities, husbands new job has him away a lot, far from friends and family, winter is here and it's hard to get outside. December rolled around and I wasn't about to spend the holiday season in this place I allowed my self to get to. I was going to get myself out of it. I began focusing my sights back on positive things; my family, art of photography, charity work, crafts, projects, and anything else that made me happy. It began to work. I was feeling good. Then my right eye started feeling funny. I made some appointments because I realized I actually haven't had some check ups in awhile for myself. Lets just leave it at the icing on the cake for 2017, I have some health issues myself! Joy Right?! I'm seeing a specialist for my eye and I'm okay at the moment, just addressing somethings one day at a time. I will have follow up appointments soon and in the meantime I will continue to do what is best for my health and sanity. 2018 is here and it came in nicely. I had a wonderful holiday with my family, my children lit up Christmas morning to the sight of Santa had been to their house. As far as New Years Eve went, my ass was in bed at 9:00pm because i'm pushing 35 and enjoy my sleep. I have a great deal of motivation for this new year and not a ton of resolutions. Maybe one, I do want to learn to juggle. Never could but also never really tried. For the most part I want to give more, share the things of which I excel in with others looking to learn. Spread PTSD awareness with a fundraiser is also another big chapter I will be pushing with my work. I know we all have our ups and downs and life can be shitty, truly shitty! Man oh man, it can be so beautiful though right? I believe love will always win and the good times do outweigh the bad. I want people to know that no one is fucking perfect. No ones life is as perfect as they portray on your social accounts, so disconnect for awhile! Seek help when needed and know that you surely aren't alone. Lastly, be the best you can be at all times and let that radiate and shine on those around you. Much Love! Happy New Year Everyone!

 

Always, Alicia



Comments

Sadie(non-registered)
Ok so I just noticed the & symbol is making it look as if I'm illiterate.... replace all the weird typos with the word AND.... GEEZZZ, BAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Sadie(non-registered)
Alicia, I love you girl ♡ Life is crazy man.... I'm so proud to know you. I respect your honesty & guts. It's not easy sharing personal shit sometimes but I'm glad you did. I'm just a phone call away & only a few miles. We really need to go camping!!! Like sooner than later. Happy New Year to you & your Beautiful Family ♡ Give your Mom a big hug from me... We/I, guess I can't speak for everyone, LOVE seeing your photo's past & present. You are an inspiration, keep on truckin!!! XOXO
Candice(non-registered)
Wow, Alicia!! I’m sorry you had to go through all of that!! I’ve always admired your attitude & postive outlook on life & I believe that you will continue your healing process to get that back. You are a beautiful woman, inside & out. I love looking at your pictures & the beautiful family you have created. Much love to you!!
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